Loving Myself – A New Life At 40
I will be forty this year. Yes, it’s the big 4-0 for me, and you know what, the hell with everything negative. I choose to be happy, and I will fight my way to make “me” stay that way. So what if he left me for a younger woman. I don’t care. This year, I will start my journey towards “A New Me,” and I will not let anyone derail my road to prioritizing and loving myself. (Yes, I need therapy online if that will mean I love myself more.)
Past Is Past, And It’s History, But Ok – A Refresher (Hopefully Not A Downer)
I have been married for the last two decades, and in my mind, this is it. Love is love, and this love was solidified by God. It can never be broken. Well, boo-hoo! I was so wrong in one million levels. Stupid me, gullible and just plain naïve. The devil incarnate (my ex-husband) has violated his vows and pact with God to love me and be faithful to me only for more than 20 times. (Yes, I am rolling my eyes right now.) Love, my @*#$%^&*!!!
He is a nut job, seriously. If it’s not our nanny or the babysitter, it’s the dog walker, the neighbor, our daughter’s teacher, the janitress in our son’s school or the principal, his colleague, my colleague (and I think my boss too – he’s a gay man, by the way), his cousin (ewww, this is true) and so on. At first, I just turned the blind eye, but man. It’s just too much. I may be joking about it now, but he came as far as bringing the girl to our house while I WAS THERE and they were acting like bunny rabbits if you know what that means.
I know – I was pathetic. Loser, with a capital L. I let him do this to me. In a way, this was my fault because I gave him the authority to step on me as many times as he could, and he did it without hesitation. Devil incarnate, indeed. But after twenty years, I realized, it was time for me to move on. When he left me for the 27-year-old lottery ticket cashier-slash-slut that he found near the community center (taking a smoke), I also shut everything that was left of him. Bravely, I faced my new life. I left the city and moved far away from him.
Facing My New Life – Starring: The New Me
And so, I am here now in Jersey with my sisters, and he is in Canada, looking like a wet duck. A year after we separated, and divorce is now on the process, he wants to get back together. The clown is not joking at all. (Jaws dropped.) Seriously. He is a piece of work.
“Kimberly, please. I need you. I want you. I love only you.” I can only hear blah blah blah after he said the “I love you” part and so, I hang up. I am now facing my new life. This is the new me, and the new me says – NO AND NEVER AGAIN TO GO BACK TO THE PAST.
On the way to loving myself, I had to do a lot of things. And here are some of those things that I had to do as signs of loving myself since I have forgotten to do it for so long.
I lose weight, started exercising, and ate right.
I hated myself for a very long time, my therapist said (I will talk about my therapist shortly) and that was one reason why I accumulated 50 kilos of fat over the years. When I decided to leave him for good (ok, ok – he left me first, geez), my sister brought me to her gym. In there I met Rolando. Yes, he is a Spanish fitness trainer with a very sexy name – mi amor. But no. He is not hot for me, in that sense, I promise you. Rolando is gay to the 100th level, hehe. But I love him. Anyway, I met Rolando, and he helped me transform my body from 120 kilos to 70 kilos now. I am at my target weight after a year of doing Yoga, meditation, kickboxing, and arnis. He also introduced me to Kelly Byrnes, a dietitian, and she designed my eating program for the first six months until I was able to eat healthily and choose my meals on my own.
I traveled and explored the world.
When I was married to him, there was no opportunity to travel. Why? He wanted me just to follow his orders. In an attempt to hold him close to me, I allowed it all. But now, no more. My son was not living with us when we separated, and so, I had nothing to hold me back. When he left me, I went on a Europe trip. Paris, Milan, Versailles, Lucerne, Venice, Luxembourg, Amsterdam, Frankfurt, and more – I went to a lot of places. I tried their cuisine, enjoyed their culture, and loved their natural and man-made attractions. Traveling opened my eyes that there is a big world out there, and it’s for my taking.
I went to therapy.
There is no need to elaborate on this except that loving myself is also healing my mental health. One of the ways I did that was going to therapy. With this, I have helped myself become whole.
You can do a lot of things to move on from a horrible relationship. All you have to do is start the change. Nobody can do “change” for you. You have to do it yourself. Yes, you have the courage. You are brave enough to face this, and YOU CAN DO IT. Believe and know that you are worth every good thing in life.